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A friend of mine won't get a divorce because he hates lawyers more than he hates his wife.#-#840
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I'll buy that for a dollar!!#-#12783
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How about a beer# Norm?" "Hey- I'm high on life#54
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An empty desk is an efficient desk!#Brazil-#2365
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Never leave a moment too soon, never waste a hot afternoon.#Chess-#19850
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Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.#Steven Wright-#17171
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My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it.#-#19483
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If I had a penis, I'd still be a girl. But I'd make much more money and conquer the world.#Uncle Bonsai-Penis Envy#13856
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I think everyone should start using the phrase, I'd sure like to bounce a quarter off his butt!" I don't know what it means# but I sure like the way it sounds."-R.M. Weiner#11880
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It is not difficult to avoid death...it is much more difficult to avoid wickedness, for it runs faster than death.#Socrates-via Plato#15951
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Go soak your head, Puny Human!#-#8214
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Irony, n.: When you say exactly what you mean.#-#15583
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I'm a analog man in a digital world.#-#12837
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Even when opportunity knocks, you still have to get up off your seat and open the door.#-#6859
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L.A. has four seasons: Earthquake, flood, fire, and drought.#-#17109
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Flies in the vaseline, we are. Keep getting stuck here all the time.#Stone Temple Pilots-#7547
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Be creative, invent a perversion.#-#3426
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Mama always told me there would be days like these. Of course, Mama has been trading in long-term treasury bonds so she isn't quite as worried as some today.#Dave Pell-#18181
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It's not the work that gets me down, it's the coffee breaks.#-#16557
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Jesus Saves... Moses invests... Buddha pays dividends... and Cthulhu forecloses.#-#16758
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Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying BOOGA, BOOGA#-#17948
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Gee, should I go with four or five crazy people loaded up with guns and explosives and gas to find a car which probably isn't there, or should I stay around here and fuck Janice? The choice seems pretty clear to me!#unknown player in Vacation From Reality""-#7990
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Drive your roomie nuts: Recite entire movie scripts almost inaudibly.#-#6432
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Easy to use is easy to say.#Jeff Garbers-#6567
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I see further by standing on the shoulders of giants.#Sir Isaac Newton-#11759
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He who dies with the most toys is still dead.#-#9013
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Croll's Query: If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?#-#5212
